More Phiction (updated, July 17)

What is phiction? It is a collaborative and semi-anonymous storytelling game that begins with a fraud attempt via email. The rules are simple: 1.) extend the conversation with the email scammer as long as possible; and 2.) be as absurd as possible. It's easy to do one or the other, but hard to do both at the same time. This conversation began on June 6, and ended on July 2. Odd-numbered emails belong to the phisher, even-numbered emails belong to my old friend, Steve Jesterman and his lover, the famous Elsa Matamoros. For more in this genre, go here.

1. June 6. OUR NOTICE TO YOU

From: Dr. Tanimu Kurfi, The Newly re-appointed Chief economic adviser to Nigerian President.

To: Sir

Due to reports received by the presidency alleging Predominant cases of illegal extortion of money from foreign contractors by irresponsible Nigeria Officials. A meeting was held on 10th may, 2014 between federal executive council and the newly governor of Central bank of Nigeria, the Auditor general of the federation and Accountant general of the federation towards enforcement of Contract payment to foreign contractors without those problems that characterized the past.in the meeting, it was agreed that henceforth, all form of payment between foreign contractors and federal government shall be handled by our office, so that due process and transparency shall be in place.

In view of the aforementioned, this office was directed by the office of the presidency to communicate with foreign contractors in these regard. Furthermore, if any person contacts you from Central bank of Nigeria in respect of your fund payment now we have to, treat that person as a common criminal is only this office will direct you to Central bank.

It was also brought to our notice that some certain individuals are fraudulently using names of Top government officials to defraud innocent contractors of their hard earned money. Please always forward such contacts to us and ignore such people and their elicit activities.As soon as you get back to us, I will update you on the things required of you to do urgently to enable us forward your payment file/contact details C B N  to Our paying bank in oversea.We sincerely apologize for the harm the delay in your fund payment might have caused you/business.Your urgent response is highly needed to avoid delay as the presidency has mandated my office to make sure that all outstanding long over due contractors payment is settled as soon as possible after investigated and satisfied okay by my office of such claim.

Yours Sincerely,

DR TANIMU KURFI, Newly appointed- Chief Economic Adviser to the president of Nigeria

 

2. June 6. Re: OUR NOTICE TO YOU

To the Esteemed Dr. Kurfi, 

I am very pleased to hear this news, as my lawyer had deemed that my previous communications with agents of the accountancy were possibly suspect in nature. I am very eager, as you can imagine, to move ahead with the transfer of funds to my business venture, as the influx of capital will make a profound difference in my ability to sustain operations and growth in the field of development. No problem, we might say. Indeedy, such are the vagaries of life, as so many of the wisest minds have opined throughout the ages.

Please do let me know what the next steps of the fund transfer will entail. 
I remain yours, faithfully, as ever, 
Steve Jesterman, Esq.

 

3. June 9. YOUR MAIL IS NOTED PLEASE FILL THE ATTACHMENT DOCUMENT

From: Dr. Tanimu Kurfi, The Newly re-appointed Chief economic adviser to Nigerian President
Attn. Steve Jesterman, Esq

We received your respective mails, which you categorically stated that our transmit correspondence mail gets to you

In respect to payment guidelines to all contractors, you are here by advised to forward cell phone /fax lines and your ID for records purpose and for accreditation by our legal department in your favor, please fill this ATTACHMENT DOCUMENT FOR ACCREDITION when we get all this from you  we update you on what next to do this was the reason why the former Governor of C.B.N, Mr. Lamido Sanusi was being suspended from the office because alleging Predominant cases of illegal extortion of money from foreign contractors by irresponsible Nigerians, we are going to forward your information to the Newly re-appointed C, B, N,Governor to contact you for as soon we get all this from you this payment proceed and it must be bank to bank wire transfer and you have to have be there in person in one of our oil resver bank account over seas

Thanks
Have a nice day
Thanks and remain bless,
Regards
Dr. Tanimu Kurfi

3b. June 13. Am Still Waiting

Dear sir

How are you today

am still wating for you reply

thanks
have a nice day

DR TANIMU KURFI

 

4. June 14. Re: Am Still Waiting

To the Esteemed and ever-patient Dr. Kurfi,
My apologies for the delay in my response. You may have wondered where I have gone? You did, Sir, did you not? As it happens, I am currently rededicating my life to our Lord Savior, Redeemer of the Lost and Forgotten, Picker-Upper of the Stray, Adopter of the Orphaned. To this end, I have joined the ranks on the Santiago de Campostela pilgrims. As a sign of my devotion, I decided to walk the entire length on my knees. 

And so, Dear Dr. Kurfi, you have an image of the torment and ecstasy I have gone through since our last exchange. Today, my knees hurt too much to carry on, and so I have ensconsed myself in an internet cafe in St. Jean de la Luz. 

I would like to move forward with this rare opportunity you have offered me. I am not in a position today to print up and sign the form you sent me. But I am sending you a copy of my birth certificate — certified certified, you will see — and hope we can come to some other arrangemeent. You will likely need other information from me as well, such as my Social Security Number, my bank account numbers and so on. When the time is appropriate, I will gladly send these to you via secure email. 

My best wishes, Sir!
Steve Jesterman, Esq.

5. June 18. Sorry for Late Response

ATTN: STEVE JESTERMAN, ESQ.

Dear Sir,

Sorry for late response to your mal. It is good to be dedicated in the worship of  the lord Jesus. Good to hear that you joined the ranks on the Santiago de Campostela pilgrims. I hope it was fulfilling?

I actually appreciated the torment and stress your long awaited payment must have caused you. How much have you spent towards this payment? Can you say the precise amount? If you cannot, you can guess how much.

No matter your tight schedule, I encourage you to print and complete the form which was sent to you so that we can go ahead with the final vetting of your payment file. In addition, I expect you to send your drivers license or international passport or any other valid id despite the birth certificate .At the appropriate time, other vital information will be needed but not now.

Yours Sincerely,
DR TANIMU KURFI
Newly appointed Chief Economic Adviser to the president of Nigeria
 

6. June 18. Re: Sorry for Late Response


Greetings to you, Sir.

Thank you for your letter, which arrived at the right time, like a message from heaven itself. Your kind words were a salve to my broken soul, and had a positively opiatic effect on my body, much like the extra dose of tramadol just administered to me by the young Galician nurse, Elsa, who has not left my bedside since I was admitted to urgent care.

You see, Dr. Kurfi, since our last communication, I have been admitted to Nuestra Señora de la Desaparacíon Hospital in a very bad state. It seems that my desire to undertake such a grueling holy journey on bare knees was ill-advised. The doctors have told me that the wounds in my right leg were more serious than the scratches I had thought them to be. The combination of torn-skin and the broken sewer line outside Pamplona were an unfortunate septic combination, and now my very blood is tainted. 

You will be cheered to know that my faith remains, as ever, undaunted and as firm as the iron nails once driven into our Lord’s flesh. My window looks out onto the famed waters of the Balsa de Ezkoriz and for the past 24 hours I have gazed at the blue lake while Elsa reads to me from the poetry of Bécquer. You can, I am sure, imagine how relaxing this would be to a man in good health. But for a man who is about to lose the use of his legs, and perhaps his life too, these are but little consolations. 

You ask about the funds I have spent in my quest, let us just say that, including the cost of the mule who patiently bore this sorry pilgrim's belongings down the paving stones of the sacred road, it amounts to no more than $5000.00, American. This is a humble sum, but it shows the extent of my devotion.

Your constancy in my plight gives me hope. In pursuance to your query, please find my driver’s license, issued last year. My financial information is available upon request.
Best wishes to you, 
Steve Jesterman

  

 

 

7. June 19: THANKS GOD FOR YOUR HEALTH

From: Dr.Tanimu Kurfi, The Newly re-appointed Chief economic adviser to Nigerian President.

Attn; Steven Isaac Jesterman

Greetings to you, Sir how was your health today? Thank you for your mail our GOD is going to hill your soul in JESUS name Amen I have  referred your payment file to newly appointed Governor of Central bank of nigeria to contact you any moment from now am expecting you contact details your mobil cell phone and fax lines try as much as possible to send it today you  are advised  to  write the amount in figure bcos of your health
Thanks for your understanding

Regards

Dr. Tanimu Kurf

 

8. June 19: Re: THANKS GOD FOR YOUR HEALTH

Dearest Dr. Tanimu, 

Sir, your words have a positively liberating effect on me, as if the angels themselves have sent you to me to free me from the prison I was in. Surely you will wonder at the meaning of my words — but I am not exaggerating when I say that you have emancipated me, and with me, my new life partner, Elsa, whom I mentioned in my last email. I write to you from Madrid-Barajas airport, waiting to board a plane to Lagos. Allow me to explain.

In my last missive, I mentioned that I had been admitted to a small, lakeside hospital outside Pamplona. On admission, the doctors had told me that I was suffering from acute blood poisoning, exhaustion and dehydration. For two days, the doctor attempted to stabilize my condition before performing surgery to amputate my legs at the knee. Imagine the irony, Sir!, of this cutting of bone and flesh at precisely the joint where my body had met the paving stones of the Holy Road! Is there nothing more absurd than to test your faith by stone and thorn, then to find that God has decreed to chop off your legs forever more? Elsa, in her patient and loving way (I will come back to that soon), comforted me by reminding me that this would mean I would spend the rest of my life in knee-ful prayer. 

And so, two days went by as I drifted in and out of consciousness, aware only Elsa’s soft voice reciting the inimitable words of Gustavo Adolfo Bécquer, 

Cuando en la noche te envuelven

Cuando entre la sombra oscura,

Cuando me lo contaron sentí el frío

Cuando miro el azul horizonte

Cuando sobre el pecho inclinas

Cuando volvemos las fugaces horas

¡Cuántas veces, al pie de las musgosas

¿De dónde vengo?... El más horrible y áspero

De lo poco de vida que me resta

Dejé la luz a un lado, y en el borde

Del salón en el ángulo oscuro

Despierta, tiemblo al mirarte

Sir, you know these words, do you not? Might you indulge me as I explain how they affected me? They positively tore me apart, even as I began to fall in love with the voice that pronounced them. 

It is true, Sir, that I am an old romantic, attuned to the slightest tremors of sound and light, and fearfully aware that our mortality is never more than a step away from where we stand. 

And now, I think you can appreciate the state of mind I was in when your words arrived. I smiled, I laughed. I shouted to the sky, “I am rich! My Nigerian funds are finally being released! I am saved! All my hard work in the Bonga Field will be recompensed! Governor Diepreye Alamieyeseigha has kept his promise, and Dr. Kurfi has, once again, saved me from misery and despair!”

It was only at that point that I looked over and noticed Elsa. She was positively stunned to see my state so transformed. She touched the habit she was wearing, as if to make sure it was still on. I have, Sir, mentioned to you that my dear Elsa is an nun in the Order of the Fleeting Compensation? I have misspoke, for it is more accurate to say that she *was* a nun.

And at that moment, she was still a nun. She turned to me and asked me to divulge the news I had received. It was then, and only then, that I opened my heart to her and shared the truth of my condition — namely that I had a guardian angel named Dr. Tanimu Kurfi, who was finally releasing the funds I had earned over 15 years of work for the Shell Corporation the Niger Delta. Those were hard years spent, I am not ashamed to say, with gun in hand and blood on my lips. I am not afraid of God’s judgment.

Elsa shuddered and then told me a secret I was not prepared to hear. It floored me, in fact — and I suspect it will shock you. The secret, Elsa said, was that I was not sick at all, but that when I was admitted a new Doctor in the hospital had insisted on taking on my case. This same doctor insisted on overseeing all the testing and so on — and had been so adamant about this, that he had made some of the nurses suspicious. Collectively, they had decided to post Elsa to watch over me, which she did, in her own poetical way. 

Will it surprise you, Sir, to learn that this doctor is Nigerian? Will it surprise you to learn, as Elsa soon showed me, that he was none other than the former Major-General Godswill Tamuno of the Movement for the Emancipation of the Niger Delta? In short, Sir, while on pilgrimage to Santiago, I had unwittingly placed myself in the reach of my old nemesis — and was now a prisoner in a jail of his own making. And, as Elsa reminded me, in the morning this same man — with whom I had battled countless times, was preparing to amputate my legs!

Elsa and I wasted no time. While I gathered my papers and books, she scoured the hospital for civilian clothes, and found an old Basque sheepherder’s outfit for me, complete with cane. Within one hour, Elsa and I had fled the hospital, intent on leave el País Vasco behind us. We boarded a train for Madrid, and that night, as Elsa and I shared a bunk, she removed her habit and with it, the corporeal promises she had once made to our Lord Jesus. May I admit to you that I was glad for the comforts that were soon to follow? I suspect our Lord will be angry with me, since I have stolen what was by all rights His — but it was worth it and He is, after all, a Forgiving God, is He not?

We arrived shortly after dawn, and took a taxi to the airport. And now we have another hour until we board our flight, Iberia 3336. We arrive in Lagos tonight at 8:35. Can I ask for you to have someone to pick us up at the airport, or shall we plan on meeting in person soon thereafter? It is fine if you are not able to come to the airport. I will purchase a sim card on arrival (is there any particular carrier you would recommend?) and call you in the morning if we do not see you.

And now, finally, to answer your question about the amount: it is no less than $5,000,000. Though I am owed interest, I will be happy to simply recover that amount. You are a godsend for setting right what has been wrong.

With my very best wishes to you, Sir!

Steve Jesterman, ESQ.

 

9. June 21: AM GOING FOR CHECKUP IN OVER SEA

Dear Mr Steve Jesterman, ESQ.

good day sir, i dont understand your mail about your coming to my country i never told you about it can we have your banks informations and your cell phone i will now forward it to the C,B,N to contact you and tell you how to made your payment.

am very sorry you can not see me now am going  to checkup over sea today but you can get me on mails

thanks have a nice day

Dr.Tanimu Kurfi

 

10. June 22: Re: AM GOING FOR CHECKUP IN OVER SEA

My Dearest Dr. Tanimu, 

Of course, I understand completely. Sir, you are a Chief Economic Advisor, with many responsiblities and duties to perform and a life to live as well. I am, well, you know perfectly well who I am — an old punter, now on the run with an ex-nun who is half my daughter’s age. My only dream now, of which you are so tirelessly cognizant, is to reclaim the wages I earned while slinging guns for Shell Oil in the Niger Delta. It is not a big dream, Dr. Tanimu, but it is all I have. And since you are the only link to realizing my dream, I would be foolish to lose your patronage now that I am so close to my goal. 

I hope your travels are safe and easy. May I enquire, Sir, as to your health? Our prayers are with you in this time of checkups.

Elsa has reminded me that you have patiently asked for my bank information these past days, as well as a phone number. In my bewilderment and bloody confusion, I have overlooked the simplicity of your request — and I must beg your forgiveness, and I have them here for you. 
But first you may be interested in knowing that we arrived safely and found a very comfortable room at the Sofitel Hotel in Ikoyi. The pool is nice, and the staff has been very friendly. We tried cola nut for the first time after lunch yesterday and found the effect to be rather pleasant, although we have not slept in 24 hours. But as Elsa has been showing me, sleep is not the only thing one can do in a hotel room in a city where we have no engagements, no acquaintances, and no sights to see. Despite the easy rhythm we have gotten into since our arrival, we are not certain it is a good idea to remain long in Lagos, especially since Maj.-Gen. Tamuno will have guessed by now that I have come seeking you out. It is only a matter of time before we find him knocking on our door - and this time it won’t just be my legs he will amputate. 

With this in mind, we are anxious to decamp to a more secure location. Dakkar? Brazzaville? Abidjan? The very names bring back memories of a part of my life I had begun to forget, and surly men hailing from Boer townships with names like Ventersdorp, Wolmaranstad and Potchefstroom. Memories of late night arrivals on dark airstrips, far from the eyes of border stations and passport control. The best of times, Sir!, but also difficult and dark ones. 

Sir, you have patiently asked for my bank number as well as my phone. Here, hencewith and thus-to-now, I enclose them. Please keep them very close to you, since in sum these numbers compose my very being and essence — they deserve to be treated with utter confidence and discretion, as I am sure you know: 

San Diego National Bank7877 Ivanhoe Ave
La Jolla, CA, United States(858) 454-4786
Checking/Savings Account: 3383 - 458 - 2991

Routing Number: 44-399-2771 (La Jolla Branch) 

Name of Account Holder: Steve Isaac Jesterman

Social Security Number: 983 - 99 - 3425

I look forward to hearing from you soon,

With my very best wishes for you,

Steve Jesterman, ESQ.

PS Of course, this means our paths will not cross this time in Lagos — but so be it. As we have faith in our Lord, someday — Dear Sir! — He will surely bring us together. Again, Sir, my sincere apologies for assuming that you would have time for me were I to arrive in Lagos — that was an assumption on my part, and you know what the old punners say: never make an assumption, because it makes an “ass” out of “u” and “mption.” 

 

10b. June 23: Re: AM GOING FOR CHECKUP IN OVER SEA

My Dear Sir, 
I write to you from Lagos International Airport from whence we will soon depart. I think it best that I not mention our destination at present, since I have begun to suspect that we are under surveillance and my emails may be monitored. As soon as we land, I will let you know. 

In the meantime, I have been in contact with the bank to begin arrangements for the transfer. The manager at the La Jolla Branch, Mrs. Julie McCoy, is an able transferer of funds. She is awaiting your phone call. If you call after business hours, simply dial the extension #855 and she will take your call immediately. I do hope your check-up has gone well. Need I worry about your good health, Sir?

Best wishes,
Steve Jesterman, Esq. 

 

11. June 23: we referred your payment file newly appointed Governor

From: Dr. Tanimu Kurfi The Newly re-appointed Chief economic adviser to Nigerian President.
Attn;  Steve Jesterman, Esq.

Greetings to you Sir, how was your health today?

Thank you for your mailI have  referred your payment file to newly appointed Governor of Central bank of nigeria to contact you any moment from now. Thanks for your understanding
Regards
Dr.Tanimu Kurf

 

11b. June 23: please get back to me

From: Dr.Tanimu Kurfi, The Newly re-appointed Chief economic adviser to Nigerian President.

Attn; Steven Isaac Jesterman

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your concern about my health condition. I am better and
will return to Nigeria soonest.

Did you say you are now in Dakkar? Brazzaville? Abidjan? How did you
go to Dakkar? Brazzaville? Abidjan? By flight or by road? Where you
now and what are is the number to call you there? Confirm quickly.

I am wondering how you just left hospital at lakeside hospital outside
Pamplona and was able to jump into plane to travel to Nigeria. Acute
blood poisoning, exhaustion and dehydration are not diseases one could
be discharged from hospital and would be able to make a trip
immediately. You wrote and I quote” For two days, the doctor attempted
to stabilize my condition before performing surgery to amputate my
legs at the knee." so how could you make such trip? Surprisingly you
said that you   boarded a train for Madrid.  It is incredible! From
USA?

It is pity that you have revealed the transaction to 3rd parties who
may be biased owing to misjudgment or half baked information. May
people are biased about Nigerian business transactions especially
those who are not directly involved because of the cases of corruption
in Nigeria which has been exaggerated by the foreign media as an
orchestrated campaign of calumny..

I would not know the attitude of Elsa when you revealed your
transaction to her. What is her opinion?  You said Elsa shuddered and
then told you a secret you were not prepared to hear. What was that?

No matter what, women are loquacious. You would have been manly enough
to keep your transaction confidential as I advised  no matter what to
avoid your transaction being publicized and jeopardized by 3rd arties.
Are you ready to follow strictly my instructions henceforth? I am ever
ready to cooperate with you and do my best to ensure you are paid
provided you will stick to my advce.


Yours Sincerely,
DR TANIMU KURFI
Newly appointed Chief Economic Adviser to the president of Nigeria

 

12. June 24: Re: please get back to me

Dear Dr Tanimu, 

I write to you from the tarmac of Hosea Kutako International Airport in Windhoek. I understand the import of your words, and the need to keep our conversation solely to ourselves. You will be glad to know that I have never revealed to Elsa, nor any other human soul, your true identity. I have only ever called you my guardian angel, for that, Dear Doctor, is what you are. No more women, and no more women talk, I can promise you that.

Our situation is urgent, Sir. We landed two hours ago in calm weather. It felt good to be back in Namibia, where I have many assets and friends to draw upon for help. We were taxiing to the gate (#21) when a military jeep blocked the plane’s progress. Shortly thereafter, three officers boarded the plane and walked down the aisles, looking into passengers’ faces and occasionally asking to see our passports. Sir, you should know that neither Elsa nor I were concerned about this development until we noticed that the jeep had been joined by a white van with the words “The Shell Corporation: Let’s Go to the Arctic!” Who, Sir, but I, would they be looking for? And surely, Sir, this has some connection to our recent conversations, does it not? 

Just then, a voice came over the intercom asking for us to remain calm and in our places. That voice, Dear Doctor, is one I know well. You see, while I have never met Umaru Yar’adua, I certainly know his wife, Hajia Tarai. And I mean “know” in the Biblical sense, if you can appreciate that. Ours was a love that, as she put it, only Elegbá and his concubines would have understood. 

For it was Hajia, and no one else, who now addressed us on board flight 288 from Lagos to Windhoek. It was none other but that smoky, silky, beguiling voice. I could picture the redness of her lips and the pinkness of her tongue rolling over ivory teeth. And if Hajia was here, my demise would not be far behind. Elsa noticed that I had become agitated and asked me why. Without my saying, that devilish womanly woman had correctly guessed that she was not the first love of my life, and that the woman on the loudspeaker had a greater purchase on my soul than she could ever hope to have. 

Elsa cursed me in the Castillian tongue, then in the Basque. Then words became fists as that nun continued her fall into utter carnality. She began to pummel my body with hers, even as I attempted to remain calm and in my place, Seat 32B.

Not more than two blows landed on my face before the entire party was seizing me by the hands and wrenching me from the airplane. They boarded me onto that white van and drove me away. I looked back and saw Elsa’s tearful face looking out the window, her fingertips touching the plastic, her lips mouthing words: “Lo siento, mi amor. Mea culpa!” I could almost hear her voice whispering in my ear.

The men took me to a hanger somewhere on the outskirts of the airport, Sir. I managed to see the name of the hanger and the number: #45, “Suitcase Administration.” There, past rooms full of unclaimed baggage, they put me in a chamber with nothing but a television set and a video game machine. I heard Hajia Tarai’s voice speaking outside the door soon after, as well as another man — Major-General Godswill Tamuno, if my memory serves me. Or could I be mistaken?

I have spent the last half hour tinkering with the mechanisms of the machine and, using the dish network and the game pad, seem to have accessed the interweb and am thus sending you this email. 

Please, Sir, I beseech you: I seem to have fallen into the clutches of men and women who are after the funds you are now releasing on my behalf. You have ample evidence of the nefarious dealings that have afflicted me, do you not? You know how far I have come on your behalf, how utterly sincere my quest has been, do you not? 

You have all the information you need to act on my behalf. I implore you, Sir, please contact the Namibian police to let them know what is happening to me right now! Please send someone to my rescue! 

Help Us, Dr. Kurfi, You’re Our Only Hope!

Steve Jesterman

Sent from my Playstation2®

 

12b. June 24: Re: please get back to me

Dr. Kurfi, My Dear Sir!

Where have you gone? It has been 36 hours since my incarceration in Windhoek began, and I am no closer to emancipation than I was when I last wrote you. True, I have spent so much time on Grand Auto Theft that I have mastered 6 levels, but even that accomplishment is not the same as freedom!

You have all the information you need to set in motion my release — please, do not delay! 
Please, Sir!, give me a sign that you have received my messages and that you will help! Otherwise, I will have to accept that Shell Oil has influenced you against me, and perhaps also Hajia or Godswill. What a sad day that would be — I cannot bear to think it, but in my despair, I begin to. Please prove my doubts wrong. Please intervene!

Your humble servant,

Steve Jesterman

Sent from my Playstation2®

12c. June 27: Power of Attorney

Dear. Dr. Tanimu Kurfi, 
This is Elsa, Steve Jesterman’s lover. He has been indefinitely detained on a tarmac in Windhoek, and I am pretty sure he has granted me power of attorney. I am very anxious to receive the funds meant for poor Steve. Maybe you and I can work together to finish this job? I have enclosed a picture of myself so you can see what I look like. I am not like other women, I can be trusted. 
With love,
Elsa Matamoros

 

images.jpeg

13. June 28: PLEASE DOT MAIL ME AGAIN

Dear madam Elsa Matamoros

please for christ sake dont ever sand mail to me am not like that let mr SteveJesterman write me this funds is not for you if he granted you power of attorney he must make sure he update me and again tell me the reason why he was detained on a tarmac in Windhoek.

more over he is a gentel man that any one can trust i can not work with you i have noting to do with your picture i never trust any woman of your type am very sorry
Thanks have a nice weekend
GOD bless you
Dr tanimu

 

13b. July 2: PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME URGENTLY

Attn: Elsa Matamoros

I am worried to hear that Steve Jesterman is indefinitely detained on
a tarmac in Windhoek. When was he detained? For what reason was he
detained? Was he peddling or trafficking drug or was he involved in
terrorism? What are the reasons for which he was detained? MAY YOU
EXPLAIN TO ME URGENTLY?

You said he gave you a power of attorney to continue with me in the
transaction. Van you send to me the signed Power of attorney from
Steve Jesterman. May you also show me your id to confirm your
identity? Send to me by email your driving license or any other valid
ID e.g. international passport. Etc.

I wait for your urgent reply.
Regards,
DR TANIMU KURFI

Watching ISIS on TV

I've spent the last few afternoons and evenings with my wife's cousins -- dynamic, generous and patient people from Baghdad who only recently -- after 8 years of one war, 10 years of sanctions, and 10 years of violent occupation -- decided to permanently resettle in Amman. Besides eating and drinking tea, and talking about the beauty of Ali's sermons, for the most part we wandered through a labyrinth of Iraqi satellite television. Like most Iraqi households these days, the television is never turned off.

(listen at On the Media)

(Read on)

 

Still in Bed

The process of forgetting Iraq has taken—and will continue to take—a great deal of effort and organization, since what is being forgotten involves a decade of mass violence and war crimes as experienced by millions of Iraqis and tens of thousands of Americans and others. A mere memory lapse could not perform this task, nor would a simple dose of repression. This kind of collective event involves a special kind of forgetting. Which is to say, it entails active forms of remembrance. To overwrite our memory, we need to supplant it with other images and stories. Vivid stories. Stories full of detail, adventure and heartbreak. Stories of life on the edge, stories about mortality and camaraderie. Stories so good that they override and outweigh lived experience and knowable facts. To forget is a profoundly creative process. Artistic, even. (Read more)

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Reporters surround Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld as he holds a press conference while in flight to Kuwait on Dec. 6, 2004. [Source: Department of Defense via Wikimedia]


Phiction

Below is a provisional answer to the question: What are we to do with email scams and phishing? The prince who needs you to wire a temporary loan to Lagos so that he can retrieve his inheritance? The friend who had their wallet stolen in Amsterdam and needs you to send a money order immediately so that they can get back home? The company who needs you to verify your Visa card number and also the password to your email account?

A few years ago, my email life changed when my friend Chris taught me to think of these emails as writing prompts instead of threats or annoyances. He invented an email game that involves balancing two opposite rules at the same time: 1.) extend the conversation as long as possible; and 2.) be as absurd as possible. It's easy to do one or the other, but hard to do both at the same time. The result is a form of collaborative and semi-anonymous art based first upon the lie of the initial email, then on the lies that follow. Phishing meets fiction. 

Below is the result of the fake correspondence that took place over 4 days last October. between a con artist who claimed to be my old friend Ibrahim. His notes are the odd-numbered entries, my replies, in the persona of Steve Jesterman, are even numbered.  

1. 

 

Dear,

   I Hope you get this on time, my family and I came down here to Hereford,United Kingdom for a short vacation,unfortunately we were mugged at the park of the hotel where we stayed all cash,credit card and mobile phone were stolen off us but luckily we still have our passports with us.We've been to the Embassy and the Police here but they're not helping issues at all the bad news is our flight will be leaving in less than 8-hrs from now but we're having problems settling the hotel bills and the hotel manager won't let us leave until we settle the bills.  I'll need your help (LOAN) financially of 1,850 Pounds. I promise to make the refund once we get back home. Please let me know if you can help and i need you to keep checking your email because it's the only i can reach you.

Ibrahim XX

 

2. 

 

Dear Ibrahim,  

This is horrible news -- I would very much like to help. Can I wire you money? Which office should I send it too? 

Steve Jesterman

 

3. 

 

Dear Steve,

I'm so glad to read from you, thanks so much for your concern. I need you to loan me some cash,I need 1,850 Pounds.You can have the money wired to me via Western Union.Have it wired to my name and present location, here are the details you need to have it wired to me..

Name: Ibrahim XX

Location:1 West View Almeley Hereford HR3 6LE United Kingdom

       I still have my passport here with me to claim the funds.Once you are done with the transfer at the western union e-mail me the Confirmation details(MTCN) for the pickup of the funds.Thanks

Waiting to read from you soon

 

4. 

 

Dear Ibrahim, 

I have great news -- I knew my daughter was in the UK, but I thought she was in London. Guess what? She just called and she is in Hereford right now! Can you believe it? It's an amazing coincidence. Do you remember meeting her in our old cafe? I still have the pictures when you took us to the opium den. I will never forget the picture you guys took of me passed out on the floor. 

She's going to meet you at the Western Union Office -- send me your phone number so I can have her call you right now. 

We're going to help you out, buddy! Anything for you!

Steve

 

5. 

 

Dear Steve,

I need 1,850 Pounds.

Here are the details you need to have it wired to me..

Name: Ibrahim XX

Location:1 West View Almeley Hereford HR3 6LE United Kingdom

       Please kindly locate any western union outlet close to you and have the money wired to me promise to refund it back as soon as i get back home.E-mail me the Confirmation details(MTCN) for pick up of the fund when you are done with the transfer at Western Union.

 

Let me know when you are heading out to Western Union now.

 Ibrahim

 

6.

 

Hi Ibrahim, 

Mary Jane just went to the bank in Almeley, and they told her it's no problem to withdraw the entire amount. I told her to do so. That's great news -- we won't even have to deal with Western Union at all! Tell me where she can meet you or what your phone number is. The address you gave us is for the post office, by the way. Where's your hotel? 

 We are so glad we can help you. You remain, as always, one of our best friends. 

Sincerely, 

Steve Jesterman

 

7. 

 

I'm at a local library trying to get help back home don't have access to phone since the muggers went away with my phone and the hotel management stop me from making use of the hotel facility because of my out standing bill.The hotel management has put a stop to my order,i have not taking anything since last night.Quite honestly it was beyond a dreadful experience for me but looking on the bright side we weren't seriously hurt or injured and we are still alive so that is whats important.

I've reported to the cops here and canceled all my cards,it appeared I had acted quickly enough or they almost would have succeeded in cleaning out my bank account. I'm really having some difficulties clearing my hotel bills and also need to pick up a voucher ticket at the counter for us to catch a flight back home in a couple of hours.

I would have call you immediately or send you a number you can call me on if i have the access to make or receive call.Please i need you to get the money wired to me through western union as soon as possible.

Ibrahim

 

8.

 

Ibrahim, my good friend,

Mary Jane just called. Apparently the bank did not want to release the funds. So I will have to wire them to you after all. Would you still like me to send the MTCN to you, or did you resolve your problem? 

Steve

 

9. 

 

Dear Steve,

 Thanks for your concern and really appreciate,please instruct her to get the money wired to me through western union.If she can't get it done at western union,then i will be the try and get help from someone.

 Ibrahim

 

10.

 

Dear Ibrahim

Mary Jane just sent me the number. 

(MTCN) number: 5613464654 with serial number 6395-408AK- WESTERN UNION (MTCN)-Reference number 6475677 drew from 

WUNT475KS numbers 58-7-27-46 

GWK/558B/5355/UAD 

Please confirm receipt. I'll look forward to seeing you when you get back. Do you need us to pick you up from the airport? What flight are you on? 

Best, 

Steve Jesterman

 

11. 

 

Steve,

I just came back from the western union office and the cashier told me that there was no transfer made by you at western union and that the (MTCN-561-346-4654) is fake.

 

12. 

 

Dear Ibrahim, 

I called Mary Jane and she went back to the office. It seems we made a mistake and mixed up the third and fourth numbers. The correct number is: 

563-146-4654. 

 Sorry for the inconvenience. Let me know how it goes!

Steve

 

13. 

 

Steve,

The cashier at Western Union said that the MONEY IS NOT AVAILABLE FOR PICK UP.

She said the problem is from the western union agent which the money was sent from.

She advice that you should ask Mary Jane to cancel the transfer of the 1,850 Pounds and once the transfer has been cancel,Mary Jane should instruct the western union agent to have the money split into 2 and transfer is separately( 1000 and 750 Pounds ).

she said transfer 1000 Pounds and then transfer 750 Pounds.Once the two transfer is done she should confirmed it that the MONEY IS AVAILABLE FOR PICK UP before leaving the Western Union office.

I will be waiting for the MTCN DETAILS of the Two transfer.

 Ibrahim

 

14. 

 

Dear Ibrahim, 

This is confusing. I just contacted Western Union to verify that MTCN number, and they said the money transaction has been completed, and that the funds were released to an individual in Anchorage, Alaska. 

I can't help thinking that someone might have been playing a trick on both of us. In any case, the funds I was attempting to send to you were intercepted by a third party. Fortunately, Western Union's insurance will mean I have not lost these funds and we are preparing to resend them right now. 

Does anyone else have access to your email? Have you been hacked? 

I am worried -- but in any case, will prepare to resend these funds to you to your other email address, which I hope will be more secure. Or would you prefer for me to send the information elsewhere? 

BTW, Mary Jane is at the Almeley library right now looking for you, you old codger!

Your friend, as ever, 

Steve Jesterman

 

15. 

 

Steve,

How can someone get access to my private address that i make use of for different and confidential  issue.

I don't know how to explain my present situation to you anymore.I really appreciate your help and concern.

Thanks.

 

16. 

 

Dear Ibrahim, 

If you are confident that your email is secure, then shall I send the new MTCN details to you? I want to make sure you are able to make your travel connections! Imagine how angry Khadija is going to be if you miss your plane! I want to help!

Yours, as ever,

Steve Jesterman

PS Mary Jane looked everywhere for you in the library and was wondering if that was you who was in the locked bathroom down in the basement. She said it sounded bad in there. 

 

17. 

 

Steve,

Yes is secure send me the MTCN.

Ibrahim

 

18. 

 

Dear Ibrahim,

OK, but I'm worried that someone is reading our emails and then they're going to take this information and get the money I am sending you. If your email hasn't been hacked, maybe there is spyware on your computer that is allowing someone to watch the letters you're typing? Maybe there is a camera behind you so that someone can watch the screen? 

Please check to make sure then reply. When you're absolutely sure that no one is monitoring your computer except you, then email me to confirm and I will send you the MTCN. It is all ready to go and just needs you to say yes before I do anything. 

Sincerely, as always, 

Steve

PS Mary Jane waited for the person to come out of the bathroom -- and it wasn't you. Just in case you were wondering. 

 

19. 

 

Steve,

Yes is secure send me the MTCN.

Ibrahim

 

20. 

 

Ibrahim! 

I turns out my computer is the one that was hacked. Someone installed a small camera behind my desk at work, and they have been following our conversation. I first thought about removing it, but that would only alarm them, right? So I moved my chair slightly and now I don't think they can see what I am typing. 

I contacted Western Union and they will issue me a new MTCN. Shall I send it to you when it arrives, or have you already figured out another solution to your problem. 

Signed,  

Steve Jesterman

PS Mary Jane is sitting at the cafe by the bus station, in case you want to "drop by" and surprise her like you did that time in Rome!

 

21. 

 

Steve,

Send me the MTCN.

Ibrahim

 

22. 

 

Dearest Ibrahim, 

I'm sorry for the delay. Right after emailing, I received a phone call from the chief constable of the Almeley police. Apparently, someone abducted Mary Jane while she was sitting in the cafe next to the train station. Yes, right there in broad daylight. Can you fucking believe that shit? 

As they put her into a van, her phone must have dropped into the gutter. The abductors were last seen speeding off in the direction of Shropshire. The police called my number, since I was the last one to talk to her, and I have been on the phone ever since. 

They believe that the kidnappers are part of a gang of protestants who have been terrorizing the local population. In any case, you can imagine the state I am in. What a day this has been. Somehow, given all that you and I have been through together, it somehow seems fitting, doesn't it? Like that time we stumbled onto that meth lab in Kiev. I'll never forget that, even though we killed a few brain cells before the night was through. 

Here are the details -- I am so glad I'm able to help. If you are still in Herford, maybe you wouldn't mind stopping by the local constabulary in Almeley just to check in to see if they have any more information about Mary Jane. Considering that, in all likelihood, she may be more your biological daughter than mine, it would mean a lot to all of us. 

Yours sincerely, 

Steve

PS I almost forgot, the new number is: 949-217-3937. 

Mutanabbi Street Starts Here: Weds. March 5, Wash. DC

Al Mutanabbi Street Starts Here: Commemorative Readings

Wednesday, March 5, 2014  /  6-830 PM.

Busboys and Poets
14th and V Streets
Washington, DC

Free and Open to the Public
Light Refreshments provided by Busboys and Poets

Featuring Readings by:

  • Zein El-Amine
  • Sarah Browning
  • Elana Casey
  • Mariam Coker
  • Elliott Colla
  • E. Ethelbert Miller
  • Nahid Navab
  • Casey Smith
  • Susan Tichy

For more information, go here.

 

Looking for the Three of Diamonds

A few years ago, I began work on a crime novel set in Iraq. I borrowed the name of a real-life person, Muhsin Khadr al-Khafaji, as a writing prompt. Taking this man’s name seemed like nothing since my character was entirely fictitious and all resemblances purely coincidental.

As I revised the manuscript, I felt I owed it to myself to find out who the real man was. Al-Khafaji was number 48 on the list of “Most Wanted Baathists,” the Three of Diamonds in the US military’s deck of cards. 

I had only the grim outlines of the real al-Khafaji’s story. He was sought for his participation in the bloody suppression of the 1991 popular uprisings against Saddam’s regime, and captured on February 7, 2004.

The events of 1991 may be largely forgotten in the United States, but not in Iraq. Encouraged by the fiery rhetoric of President George H. W. Bush, Shi‘a and Kurds rose up against the Baathist state. They might have succeeded were it not for the brutality of loyalists like al-Khafaji. By the time the rebellion was over, one hundred thousand civilians had been killed.

With a bad taste in my mouth, I set out to find what happened to al-Khafaji after his arrest. (More here)

"بحثاً عن "الثلاثة ديناري

قبل أعوام قليلة، بدأت بالعمل على رواية تدور أحداثها في العراق. ولتحفيز نفسي على الكتابة، استعرت اسم شخصية حقيقية، محسن خضر الخفاجي. للوهلة الأولى، لم يبدُ لي الخيار ذا معنى، إذ أن الأحداث مختلقة وأي تشابه ممكن سيكون بالصدفة المحضة. 

لكن وفيما كنت أراجع المسودة الأولى، شعرت أنه ينبغي عليّ كشف هوية هذا الرجل. لقد كان الخفاجي المطلوب رقم ثمانية وأربعين من بين المسؤولين البعثيين، ومُنح  في "ورق اللعب" الخاص بالمطلوبين العراقيين ورقة "الثلاثة ديناري". كنت أعرف بعض ملامح قصته. تم القبض عليه في السابع من فبراير/شباط عام 2004، وكان مطلوباً لدوره في القمع الدموي لانتفاضة عام 1991 ضد نظام صدام حسين. 

قد تكون أحداث عام 1991 قد أصبحت في طي النسيان، لكن ليس في العراق. فلقد شعت خُطَب الرئيس جورج بوش الأب النارية الشيعة والأكراد على الانتفاض ضد الدولة البعثية. وكادوا أن ينجحوا لولا وحشية أولئم الذين يعملون مع النظام مثل الخفاجي. وعندما أسدلت الستارة على هذه الانتفاضة، كان عدد القتلى قد تجاوز مئة ألف مدني.

(المزيد)